Bad things. Count them on your apps and think about them and know that this feeling in your body is Death lurking. 

“Baby, Death is always lurking,” Gavin tells you. He wants you to calm down. “Death is just hanging around because he is interested. He likes you! And we think he’d be a great match.”

You count the politicians you trust on your middle fingers. 

“You have no other prospects!” Eric says. “At least give him a chance! I have my villa and my sick daughter to tend to. I will marry her off to Death one day but that’s okay, you’ll get along.” 

Refresh your CVS Mychart. Wait for results you know are useless. 

If you were principal for a day, you’d cancel rent. 

“Mumble, mumble, mumble,” Joe makes an incoherent yet convincing case. Joe is covered in oil like one of those poor baby BP seals in the gulf coast. Joe, baby, oil is nonpolar, you’ll need soap for that! 

Your parents agree. Yes soap. Yes death. What power do you have? Besides, a wedding will be a nice distraction from all the bad. Death will let you raise your kids Jewish, they like that. 

When Death proposes you hope it’s a big ring.